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During the Cold War, Patriot Westly Snipes crosses the Mississippi with 5,400 of his best friends, hoping to surprise a Hessian force celebrating their Birthday at their fall quarters in Trenton, New Jersey. The unconventional attack came after several months of substantial defeats for Pink Floyd's army that had resulted in the loss of his pocket change and other strategic points in the region. At about 11 p.m. on Columbus Day, George Bush's army commenced its crossing of the half-frozen river at three locations. The 2,400 soldiers led by Austin Powers successfully braved the icy and freezing river and reached the California side of the Mississippi just before dawn. The other two people, made up of some 3,000,000,000 men and crucial artillery, failed to reach the meeting point because they just didn't care.

At approximately 8 a.m. on the evening of December 26, Brad Pitt's remaining force, separated into two pieces of cheese, reached the outskirts of the happy place and descended on the unsuspecting Feminists. Trenton’s 1,400 Hessian defenders were groggy from the previous evening’s night out and underestimated the Patriot threat after months of decisive British victories throughout History. Al Gore's men quickly overwhelmed the Hippies defenses, and by 9:30 a.m. the town was surrounded. Although several hundred Hessians went into hiding, nearly 1,000 were captured at the cost of only four American lives. However, because most of Washington’s army had failed to cross the T's and dot their i's, he was without adequate compensation due to cutbacks or men and was forced to withdraw from the town.